Through the next week we had many talks with our bishop Stephen Tripp and relief society president Jana Pratt. I was given great advice and found my direction through prayer, scripture study and going to the temple. It helped me to gain a better relationship with the Lord and with Joel, to try and find a way to change my focus to taking care of my kids which were special spirits as well. Sent to earth to accomplish many special things, one very important job was just completed- being Jake’s siblings. Now I have an urgency to give them all the tools they need to return to their Heavenly Father and hear like their brother who is waiting for them job well done.
With this new plan emerging I am writing all of this history down in hopes to share it with others in one last effort to have our Jake live on and take all of the lessons he gave us while he was on earth and to share them with others to help us all be positive each day and carry on with a smile.
How my arms tremble so many different times during the day as I reach for him or go to try and hold him and his body is not here. As I go in his room to tuck him in every night and it is empty. Jake’s test and trials are over now and he is at peace. How brave and courageous he was all of his life to be living with all of the pain he did. Not being able to itch his own nose, switch a fly or rotate an aching bum from sitting to long. The trial and test for me was not having a handicap child but losing my child. My test and trial will begin in having to go on and live worthy to be his mother with feeling of great emptiness. Knowing he is progressing and so must I. I did not know you could live with so much pain and sorrow and still function. I have truly learned that Jake was so close to living how Jesus Christ showed us I was blessed to have the true love of the savior with me every day, and now to have that taken away it is very difficult to describe with words how it feels, the emptiness inside is massive, nothing will be able to patch that hole. I have experienced both ends of the spectrum with true love comes a deeper loss. I have felt to the core of my bones and know the difference between health and sickness, joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. There would be no possible way to endure my pain not knowing he was out of pain able to move freely, knowing for certain that we will be together again and he is pain free and in a state of wonderful peace.
How do you go on without Jake in our every day life? The only answer is the gospel of Jesus Christ. If this were the end, if I just laid my little boys body to rest and would never see, touch and talk to him again, with the love and connection that I had with him, there would be no way for me to function. But I have been blessed and I do know: D& C 6:13 If thou wilt do good, yea, and hold out faithful to the end, thou shalt be saved in the kingdom of God, which is the greatest of all the gifts of God; for there is no gift greater than the gift of salvation. Heavenly Father promises we will be together again and I KNOW it is true. D & C 14:7 And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God. Heavenly Father wants to give us so much, all he has, and we cannot comprehend how magnificent it will be. I know all of this, but doing it physically every day has challenged me like nothing on this planet. So each day we get up as the sun rises and try. For the first couple of days we just try to breathe, then we try to eat, then we try something new and as the sun sets each night we made it through that 24 hours and we are one step closer to being together again. The tears and longing for Jake with total emptiness does not go away, it does not matter how many carbs I eat I still feel empty, how many of the daily necessary things we do as moms to create a home that used to bring me joy is now meaningless. As the days slide away and now it turns into a month without Jake when I go to the grocery store I am angry at how easy it is to just walk in and get a gallon of milk, I am angry that I am not loading up Jake getting his wheelchair, unloading his wheelchair loading him into his wheelchair pulling a cart to carry the milk and pushing his chair through checkout and do the whole thing again to get home, a process that would take me at least half an hour I can now do myself in 5 minutes and I HATE IT!! When I go to all of the regular stores to pick up items or clothes that are needed I automatically browse to see if there is an item Jake needs or a new vibrating toy I have missed in the past. When the boys needed a new swimming suit for summer so I run to Oshkosh or Target and there are all of the things I just purchased for Jake and realize I will never again buy my child any new clothes, shoes or a toothbrush for that matter. Jake is not here his absence is overwhelming as we sit around the table for dinner or in the family room for Family Home Evening and there is a huge gap where Jake would sit. Even going back to the same Carl’s Jr. and sitting at the same table where I sat with Jake on that last bad day. Every where you go and anything you do there is a pain that is intense so maybe it would just be better to stay home- well for me that did not go well either the very studs that the sheetrock is attached to that makes our house a home was built for and around Jake. I am surrounded with my very world that I created for myself and Jake and he is not here with me, my world is gone!
And then one night as usual I could not sleep I went into Jake’s room to hold his blanket and stuff animal when I again was overtaken by pain a deep, deep pain that I too wished I could leave so I did not have to feel I begged to become numb my whole body was trembling as I started rocking myself back and forth. I went and locked myself in my closet so I wouldn’t wake anyone up and felt racked and tormented to be on this earth without my Jake. It was at this very moment that my Savior came and from behind wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I knew he was there all though I could not see him I knew he was there and he loved me I had to go through this I too realized I agreed to come to earth to be Jake’s mom and was willing to go through this torment for the little time I would be allowed to spend with Jake. I felt inside myself, Jacque use the atonement this is why I suffered in Gethsemane and died on the cross for you- the only way to try and relieve some of the pain would be by my loving Savior who suffered more than I could comprehend even in the most intense pain I have ever experienced. The words: I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it, came to my mind and it is true I would have done it all again and would still love to be able and serve Jake, it is worth it! I could no longer allow the pain to disable me from my duties from the chores I have left here to do, how do you overcome trials how do you go on by serving others, I had to take what Jake had taught me and try to serve. Right now in my weakened state I needed to try and serve my own children that were waiting patiently for me to try and be there mother again.
We were going to have to come together and find a new way of living, the plan we had been living for the past 7 years was not working now. I want Janessa, Monique, Tyler and Brock to know that being their mother was the only thing that brought me back from the pain I was living in. I did not have the strength to want to do it for myself or even for Joel, but when I looked at the faces of my children I wanted them to have a happy life with the knowledge that their mother loved them so much! That they were soooo special and important precious spirits to me. I felt honored to be blessed from the beginning of time to be their earthly mother and was more determined than ever to make sure they too returned to Heaven where they will find true peace and happiness one day. If I pushed too hard it was only because I loved you so much and wanted to make sure I could protect you from life, and try to keep that Heavenly feeling in our home. The only joy and happiness I found was through being with you, being with all of my children. Thank you for saving me and giving me the greatest honor in being part of your life. You are all stronger than I am and now I know you will all do great- you didn’t need me I needed you!! I know Jake will be with each of you and push you along your path you have chosen in life just as you pushed Jake along his path during his earthly life. I know he has a great mission his work is of great importance to accomplish on the other side but the veil is thin and your brother is with you more than any of us know. He will always be there with you and I have great comfort to know that he will protect you and help you return with honor to your real home.
How do I live, I am try every day to be more driven to go on and live as he did. To follow his example because I know where he is I know I have to complete my tests to be worthy to be with him again. We will be reunited again of that I have no doubt, I KNOW there is no way I could have lost Jake if I did not have the knowledge and the assuredly that we will be together again!
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