*Chapter 14* - "Final Chapter"

I was driving in my car reflecting on the past couple of months and all of the wonderful experiences I have received. After a year of going to the temple, praying and searching the scriptures in an effort to have a closer relationship with the Holy Ghost I was given answers from my Loving Heavenly Father.

It started in May as we celebrated Jake's 8th Birthday on mother’s day May 9, 2010. A couple weeks prior as I was attending the temple where I go each month on Jake’s passing day I was talking with him as I usually do and said Jake we are missing you so much please tell me how to celebrate your life and all you gave to us as we still feel such an emptiness without you. Immediately the words came to a song “If you get there before I do, don’t give up on me I’ll meet ya when my chores are through I don’t know how long I’ll be, but I’m not gonna let you down, Jake wait and see and between now and then till I see you again I’ll be loving you love me.” Jake let me know that my chores here are not done and his here are, but to celebrate life and focus on our family and the memories we have made and make plans to have joy and find new fun memories. The day was great as we all worked on journaling and putting together memory books and talking of the wonderful trips and time spent together. We were able to watch a short video of Jake laughing as he was turned in his wheelchair and opening Christmas presents, being the goalie in family room soccer and being loved and kissed by all his siblings. We all traveled to the cemetery and made his favorite caramel popcorn for the 1st time in his life he blew out his own candles as the wind would not keep them lit. We all wrote Happy Birthday Messages on balloons and sent them off to him. And enjoyed some fun time with family and cousins.

A week later Joel and I were off on a business trip to Chicago and spending some quality time together. We were able to Visit Nauvoo and to learn more of all of the sacrifices that the early saints suffered for us. I found my grandparents names that passed away on a ship on their way west. We walked the same route known as The Trail of Hope that children and families did as they were forced to cross the massive Mississippi River in the freezing cold leaving all they owned and some family behind them, as you could still sense the bloody footprints in the snow. We were able to go into Brigham Young’s home, the little Red Store Joseph built and his office and desk that were still upstairs where so many meeting and teaching would take place. I saw the bed that Lucy Mack Smith lived in until she died and to feel the heartache of this amazing women who lost so many of her children and grandchildren who had to watch so much suffering of her family and not be able to fix it and ultimately her surviving family was divided into half what a true example of how we should all live our lives. The house that Joseph built for Emma and where she last saw him as he left for the last time never to return. With his brother Hyrum looking back at the not yet completed temple and the blessing that would be sure to come as they rode out of sight. You could not help but feel gratitude and love for their obedience in all they gave for us the future generations. It was a place of love and beauty, being able to walk on the same streets, go into the same building, having placed my feet where such amazing people had been and ultimately being able to go into the completed temple and receive the blessing that all started so many years ago is indescribable. We have much to do and be thankful for.

Our next stop was Carthage everything has been restored as it once was the little kitchen where the jailer’s wife and children where sitting and cooking while the mob attacked. The little bedroom and quilts that made the jail a cozy home were still all there upstairs the dungeon with bars and handcuffs the black room that was dark and damp and cold where the prisoners were not because any one around them could tell Joseph was a man of God. They were all in the master bedroom next door with a nice bed the same desk they were writing letters and studying the scriptures 2 windows to a warm sunny view outside and a huge shade tree next the window where Joseph’s body lay. The same door that was broken in and bullet hole that killed Hyrum on the spot oh the turmoil and evil that had happened that day on June 27th. At Carthage you feel nothing by somber there is no joy or happiness there it is just somber and a silence reverence for the passing of our dear Prophet Joseph Smith.

Driving back to Milwaukee you can see and it seemed to me how very little progression of life since the saints left, wherever the saints have lived and settled everyone worked together for the common good not for selfish desires. Amazing things happen when you listen and follow, the Lords people are truly blessed as you can read over and over in the Book of Mormon in so many situations. And although they suffered indescribable pains they made it here and settled this place for us to all enjoy and live free from persecution, we have so many blessing being here so many advancements in medical and technology that makes our lives easier.

The thought came to me what did we do in the pre-existence to deserve to be born here now? I do not think anything is an accident in Heavenly Father’s plan. We were saved for these final days to be strong and to stand for what is true and righteous to be true followers of his son our Savior who will be here shortly in Heavenly Father’s time, I am sure for me it will feel like forever but it is coming are we prepared to meet him. I hope I am close to being worthy and accomplishing the tasks the Lord has for us to do in building his Kingdom here on Earth. I cannot remember the pre existence as hard as I try but I try to be true to my spirit that was there and to be still and listen and follow the guidance so I may return.

To be born here and now, to be able to live here in Utah in the safety of the mountains being so close to our living prophet today to walk on the same street he walks on to be in the same tabernacle he teaches us in to have so many temples all around us. For me to have been born into a strong loving family with parents that are sealed and taught me the gospel and raised me with love and care from the beginning to have siblings that are constantly there to give love and support and help me through all of this life trials and tribulations, and don’t get me wrong, there are many of them. We are all here on earth to be tested and tried we have been given the gift of free agency to see what we will do with that gift. We have been given so many gifts and talents from our Heavenly Father and to see how we will multiply them and help others. Are we letting him in our lives and following his will. Every day we have the freedom to try again and try a littler harder than the day before. He is always there to help us and pick us up when we stumble.

The only thing I know for sure was in the pre existence there was a lot of love – love I have had the privilege of experiencing and a knowledge of it, it is so mighty and powerful that our Savior has that for each of us infinitely.

For me I take it one step further as I try to get in tune with my spirit and know that I am a fighter I will not quit, I hope I will be strong enough to endure all I must to prove my love and devotion. As I have only had to lose one of my children back to the Savior as I see that Lucy Mack Smith lost about 8 of her children could I endure that pain, I don’t think so. But I take comfort that the Lord knows what we can endure and we will not be tried more than we can bear. Have trust in him have trust that we can accomplish all we must to return to him. For me it is not an option I have to make it back my arms have to hold my son again and to feel his spirit next to my own. I WILL MAKE IT!!!!

I must have done something wonderful that the Lord would have trusted me with one of his special, special spirits and maybe that is what I have been being prepared for all my life. To have Jake and to learn what his needs would be and to give him the best earthly experience I could with his body for his time on earth. Maybe that is why I was blessed to live here in a free country being raised in the gospel having my own temple marriage and sealed to my own family. Having the best medical care available, if Jake would have been born in other parts of the world even today he would not have made it. There were some days where he could no longer breathe on his own, as we were driving on I-15 to get to the hospital the streets were parted I know Heavenly Father was paving a way for us to get through. And to have the knowledgeable doctors and facilities and medicine that I believe is also a gift from Heavenly Father to help Jake live. Yes, we are blessed with so much around us this I know of a surety!

I was in the car driving (as usual) reflecting on our amazing cruise to Alaska we had just returned from. What a beautiful country that is, and feels like it hasn’t been touched or dirtied too much by man. It feels very pure and clean and shows you the beauty that Heavenly Father created this earth for us to find joy in and how much he must love us as he has taken care of every detail. Our trip was organized 6 months prior and worked out to be the week of Jake’s first year anniversary living without him. I had mixed feeling on going and not being home to mourn and be a little more somber of how I find myself quite a bit recently. I know Jake had other plans for the family as I am sure he helped in coordinating this trip by whispering in his dad’s ear and how thankful I am that Joel listened. I was telling Jake again all that had transpired, we talked about Alaska and the beauty we experienced we went on a tour in an airplane into a Misty Fjord and landed on a private mountain lake. I cannot describe the beauty of the mountains and Heavenly Fathers creations in that part of the world but as I was up there flying through the clouds I felt I received a glimpse of what Jake must see all of the time but even better. And I asked him if no one is watching do you use the clouds for your new trampoline? And go walking on the water at the private Alaska lakes? A couple days before departure I was given a message from Jake that came through a family member. She had a surgery done and while coming out of anesthesia she was enlightened and was allowed to see through the veil and receive an amazing revelation. We talked of Heaven and the beauty and warmth that is there, the flowers and there aromas and colors the people and the light that surrounds them. The love that embraces everyone as you are able to remember everything. We had much to discuss as she has lost a son as well. He has come back to see her a couple of times to assure her all is well. This is something that I have not struggled with as I know Jake must be so busy with an important work to do or he would not have left. I take comfort in knowing that Jake lived and died as he and Heavenly Father had desired and how the reunion must have been so joyous. As I have said before Jake came to this earth so disabled that not even a negative thought could have penetrated his mind. The Lord must have known that he was such a special spirit and needed to be protected from Satan so Jake was given this body to live in and how he must of trusted me to take care of one of such his special spirits as the night before he died he told me I had to let him go that his presence was needed in Heaven and he could be spared no longer to live here on earth. I am sure Jake knew he must go but he still knew more than I and knew how hard this would be for me to live without him. Something that I could not have known or could have imagined on my own. As Jake could have passed away immediately he stayed for over 30 hours as we held each other tight and I watched every breath wondering if it would be his last and he held on longer for me I believe until deep down I did not want him to suffer any longer and succumbed to the Lords will and let go of my Jake. This is important to remember that we are truly never forced the Lord teaches with love and patience and how important free agency is. I had a special experience in 2005 as one of my dear Grandmothers passed away. We had gotten close over the past 13 years and as she had a stroke and suffered for years finally it was her turn to be released from this life and what a joyous occasion it was going to be for her. I went to see her a couple of days before her passing and laid Jake by her side, she had lost her speech but as we held hands I told grandma to take care of Jake like I would until I could get there and to come back and let me know everything was ok. She said the words “I will”. Well 5 years later she came and asked my sister in law to tell me she is doing everything she said she would. Families live on and help one another what a sweet message that immediately penetrated my heart with joy. But what happened next I could not have ever imagined Jake said he needed her to give his mom a message. She looked upon him and recognized him immediately she said he was so handsome he was so big and strong he had dark brown hair and big blue eyes he told her 4 things to let me know that he was happy, that he loved me, that he knew I was having a hard time and that he has been with me the whole time. Oh, how my heart stopped beating as it was confirmed by my spirit the truth of what I was being told. I sobbed as I let the words penetrate and sink in and to believe what I was being told. Just 48 hours before I was praying talking to Jake as I was asking him what he was doing and how happy he was. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and I know and have an idea of what it is like where Jake lives and that he is surrounded by loved ones and has an important job to do and I believe he is an instrument to the Saviors plan. But I told him I was doing my best but it is so difficult to live without him the emptiness I feel the heartache some times I think my heart cant take it any more and it is going to stop beating, sometimes I think I have to make myself breathe. It does not get any easier the longer he is gone life just has a way of making you deal with it by having time forcing you forward. I can still see myself holding him and miss him so terribly in a selfish way on my part I said I think that because we were so connected I cannot do this thing you have asked of me, I don’t physically or emotionally know how.

As I was pondering all of the times and all of the situations that Jake has probably been there but with my mortal eyes and hands I could not see him I can no longer touch his hand a caress his checks. I am going to find a way in my life and in my home to have some stillness so I can feel the still small voice and better recognize when he is here and instead of questioning it accept that Jake is with us more than I know and rejoice in that knowledge. I do have my 5 children around me during family prayer and FHE, boat riding in the car maybe even in sacrament which are still my 3 hardest places to be with out Jake. Taking the sacrament because my arms were always filled and my heart was full, riding in the boat holding Jake, and driving in the car he would either be in my rearview mirror or in the seat right next to me as we would hold hands and I would sing to him. How it comforted me to know Jake has been there he has not left me alone to try and handle this trial alone. I know this is true and I am so thankful for the beyond faith that I have been blessed with to just know. It is ok Jake did not give me the message directly I probably would not have let him go if I ever saw him and he knows that.

As I was saying we were on our cruise the same week of Jake’s passing and I could relive every day and every decision that was made to help and honor Jake. I don’t think Jake wanted us home going over the difficult times we had all ready had to endure instead I believe he helped us plan this trip and let us know that he wanted us to be happy, he loved us as well and it gave him joy for us to make wonderful memories as a family. To confirm this we happened to be following the Norwegian Star the sister ship to the Pearl we were on. That is the same ship we were on just 2 years prior as we went on our 1st family cruise with Jake just seeing the ship and the back of it with the kiddy pool where we hung out so often with Jake. I learned there that nothing could ever be the same I cannot get back those precious moments with Jake but it is ok. He wants us to go and progress not to be filled with such sorrow and grief that we cant accomplish all that we were sent here to do. As we were hiking through the Mendenhall Glacier in the brush we heard Jake's bird singing “Jacker's” to us all letting us know he was close by. How grateful I am for these blessing in my life, a son who continues to show me the way from the other side and pave a path for me to follow.

We finished the cruise and had a wonderful time as a family and made our way home, back to reality as I like to call it. I went to the temple to give thanks for the wonderful experiences we were given to get close to Jake and let him know I heard him and I am focusing on stillness (which in contrary to how I usually am) to recognize when he is close by more often. I had the sweetest feeling again an answer in my heart that all would be ok. I made my way to the cemetery and again laid down by him as I had done a year earlier, all of the grass has grown in there were many new neighbors that have been placed around him and yet we keep going, and going. At this point my soul cried out in pain once again I know I have the knowledge but living it every day well being mortal I don’t have all the capacities and life goes up and down. I spoke from my heart and told him the torture of missing him and grabbing out in the air hoping to feel him but nothing was there. I was so thankful for his message and the most wonderful thing happened. After a year of praying, searching scriptures listening to others as they say if there is something that is to big that you can’t handle on your own to give it to Christ that this is what he suffered for us with his blood through the atonement. I told him I thought I was trying to give it to the Lord but I didn’t know how I have done all I knew how to do. And at that moment something changed and kicked in on its own and the atonement was taking over I did not do anything different but somehow with the power of the Savior it was time and my aching heart was softening, it was not gone nor would I want it to be but a little bit was taken off the edge and the pain subsided just a little to help me through. I don't know how or why at that particular moment it worked but it did! The Lord our Savior is with us always- have faith that things are as they should. Live as righteously as possible and He will help take you the rest of the way. I know the Lord stepped in for me and said "it has to be this way there is no other way," but I will help you through the heartache, I will keep your heart beating your chores are not yet through there is still work for you to do Jake is with me until all you were sent to do is accomplished.

I was emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted and at the same time I had a feeling of pure love and acceptance of what I must do to carry on. I told Jake once more how much I loved him kissed the "J" on his headstone like I always do and somehow stumbled to the car. I offered up a pray of gratitude to our Savior for the drops of blood he spelt for me and prayed I could always have him with me that I may remember this feeling and hold on tight so I may be worthy to be in his presence someday. I will try my best to carry on and do all that is asked of me. I will be weak again and fall down, please help me back up and keep me going! I am so thankful for the sacrifice that has been made for us to live like we believe and to be free. I have been given this amazing life which I am so thankful for- a loving husband with the power of the priesthood who feels as strong as me that we will fight evil in this life rise victorious and embrace our son again, but in the meantime he would like to help me find some joy and happiness and explore all this world has to offer, to make new memories to take with us. In raising our children we have been blessed with to give them all the tools necessary to accomplish all they were sent to do. They are stronger and better than we are. We are truly just a vessel to get them to earth and give them guidance they are God’s spirit children and he is involved in their lives we are in a partnership in one beautiful plan to help them feel the Spirit so they can recognize it and have the tools needed to finish their chores here on earth. On the way home Jake sent me another sign, on the radio the words came:

I'm already there, Take a look around, I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground, I'm the whisper in the wind, I'm your imaginary friend, And I know I'm in your prayers, Oh I'm already there-
I'm already there, Don't make a sound, I'm the beat in your heart, I'm the moonlight shining down, I'm the whisper in the wind, And I'll be there until the end, Can you feel the love that we share, Oh I'm already there, We may be a thousand miles apart, But I'll be with you wherever you are-

Jake, I know were a thousand miles apart but your in everything around me I know your already here.


I Love You- Mom :)

"I Can Only Imagine"
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What me eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

"To Where You Are"
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Life is not a matter of counting the years-
It's a matter of making the years count!
We all love you Jake, see you soon-